Petra Säkkinen provides us with 5 valuable tips to help us through the tough time that is... the International Break.
We’ve hit rough times. It is the long-feared international break, and whether you are used to disappointment like English fans or are wallowing in self-degradation like the Scots or Finns the absence of Premier league football stings us all. While this is nothing new for us seasoned supporters (we prefer to disappear into a booze-soaked stupor until after the players have returned from their duties), some of us cannot escape into the void and pass the time until the end of the break. Thankfully there is a Finn willing to take your hand and guide you through the international break. These are my five tips to help you make it through to October 15th.
he international break gives you some time to discover many things, so why not become a gastronomic pioneer? When Finland was limping to a draw in Turku in September, I was limping home from a very ambitious night out with friends. With no restaurants open at the hour I got home, I made a grilled cheese sandwich with the pretentious artisan bread your colleague Kevin talks about constantly. Cheeses like Havarti & Swiss, bacon, and the beloved avocado in the middle? Never would have been made if not for an absence of premier league football. Mayonnaise, ketchup, and sriracha sauce for dipping? Delicious! If you’re not utilising your time for satisfying your hunger, you’re not living up to your full potential.
Become a Norwegian
ith Brexit finally being done through the triggering of Article 50 in a few short months, why not move to a country that is already not in the EU? If you enjoy fish and potatoes, don’t mind ill-fitting and itchy traditional clothing for midsummer festivals, or think oil should be used for building more kindergartens then Norway is the place for you. Side effects include being more beautiful, happiness, chiding British Prime Ministers/Lord Nelson/Lord Beaverbrook in the event Norway defeats England in football, snow tolerance, emotions towards the Winter Olympics, and being outstanding at FPL. Pack your skis and set your gameweek lineup, for you are now a “bloody Scandy.”
his does not apply to Scottish readers; please proceed to the next point. If you so dare to try the balance of alcoholism while avoiding international football: why? Our international performances are almost never up to our standards and this common coping mechanism is a great way to meet friends in a pub, chip shop, emergency room, or jail cell. Why not run on down to PimpShuei in Clerkenwell to inebriate yourself where you can lose a match of Street Fighter and not a match to Malta? If that doesn’t tickle your fancy, there is a wide selection of Badger Ale to choose from. Looking for something stronger? Ron de Jeremy rum offers something more tantalising for your taste buds than a quiz victory in 16/17. If you’re feeling like deleting system 32 on your brain’s memory I would suggest Koskenkorva. Happy drinking!
Take up acting
e all know that there isn’t anything harder to do when it comes to performing arts than to host a weekly podcast about FPL. There’s something that seems too easy about acting in the most successful trilogy in the history of cinematics, hosting a show that takes you all over the world handling dangerous animals, performing on one of television’s most widely-watched dramas, or Bolt in the world of X-Men. When it comes to FPL this CV is small potatoes compared to the grand avocado that is the Gaffer Tapes. In the event you do experience some success on that scale during the international break you may be in an Eminem music video with Megan Fox. Unfortunately there may be hosts of certain podcasts relentlessly asking you about it.
f you don’t live in the city and many of the prior points don’t or can’t appeal to you, why not make sausages? Slaughtering pork can be a fun experience for the whole family, as can adding the spices and curing said sausages. You can enjoy them while ignoring your country’s futility on the field of play or even use them to entice Gaffers to come for an international BBQ. Instead of making sausages literally, why not create a secret sausage team? If you think you can learn from the first few weeks of the season and are worried there’s no hope, why not enjoy the misery with some tasty Lincolnshire sausages? Not Cumberland though, as that’s Kevin’s favourite. Thanks Kevin, but nobody cares about the saffron infusion and kale you fed the pigs. Fucking dickhead.
Written by Petra Säkkinen. Follow her on twitter at @Persaukinen
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