Expert DGW34 Preview

With no award winning podcast this week due to “unforeseen circumstances”* - FPL expert, heartthrob and general Talk of the Town, Tom Holmes is here to give you a little Gameweek 34 Preview. You lucky sausages.

 *Craig having to work late, the bloody idiot.

It’s a Double Gameweek. Chill out.

Here’s the facts:

There has been a big cat sighting in Somerset this week. One of thirteen in that area in the last year! (picture below).

NEVER has there been a better time for ‘Tom and Dom’s Big Cats of Britain’ to be pitched to the TV Execs.

NEVER has there been a better time for ‘Tom and Dom’s Big Cats of Britain’ to be pitched to the TV Execs.

Here’s the football related facts:

Crystal Palace, ‘Boro and Manchester United have Double Gameweeks and West Brom have no game at all. Stat.

The big question on everyone’s tits is, who to bring in…

There’s a lot of talk about Benteke, who is coming off 3 goals in 4 games. The problem I have with it, is that – yes: he may have a double, and yes: Palace may be on form since me and Ash watched them in the VIP Box at Selhurst Park with our new best friend Doc Brown – but he’s playing Liverpool Away and Spurs at Home. I could see him getting 4 points in total in those two games. He might be worth bringing in if you have a free transfer, but I wouldn’t get rid of staple strikers who you would then only have to buy back again, like Lukaku (West Ham Away this week) or Costa (Southampton Home). I also wouldn’t put the captain’s armband, or heaven forbid, the Triple Captain’s armband on the lad. Silly Billy Shit.

"Someone stole my fucking bicycle!"

"Someone stole my fucking bicycle!"

Other Palace options like Townsend or Zaha are a better shout to bring in, in my humble (official expert) opinion, especially if you’ve still got the likes of Siggy to swap them in for. That lad’s got to go.

I’ve got Zlatan and will no doubt be putting the armband on him this week. His double is Burnley Away followed by City Away. If United are going to score, odds are that Big Zlat will be involved somehow… plus City’s defence is dogshit.

"I've only just realised that PSG have ripped off The Gaffer Tapes logo. I'm leaving!"

"I've only just realised that PSG have ripped off The Gaffer Tapes logo. I'm leaving!"

But Tommy’s Tip ("Mmmmm, just put the tip in") for the Double Gameweek is this…

If you’ve got some balls and/or nothing to lose, I’d suggest bringing in Negredo. What a lovely double that little sausage has. 'Boro have Bournemouth Away and – the holy grail of fixtures this season – Sunderland at Home! If it was Aguero with those fixtures on a double, everyone would be pulling out the Triple Captain Chip whilst simultaneously cry-wanking tears of pure, unadulterated joy. I’ve brought Negredo in and might even put the armband on him at the last minute. As I’ve said, the captaincy is currently with Zlatan, but will he play 90 minutes in both games? He played a piss-poor 8 minutes last gameweek, and picked up a yellow card which meant he didn’t get a single point, the absolute fucking crumpet. Negredo scored against Arsenal in his last game (no massive feat there, though) and – like I say – he is at home to Sunderland… hmm, I may have talked myself round to this as I typed… Don’t tell Craig!

Imagine his tongue is a slug and he's just put it in his mouth as part of an elaborate goal celebration, then suddenly remembered he's alergic to slugs... "Oh no! Slug!" ...There was another bit I wrote about him waiting for a team-mate to score and slide onto his face in celebration, but it was disgusting.

Imagine his tongue is a slug and he's just put it in his mouth as part of an elaborate goal celebration, then suddenly remembered he's alergic to slugs... "Oh no! Slug!"

...There was another bit I wrote about him waiting for a team-mate to score and slide onto his face in celebration, but it was disgusting.

 

Good luck in DGW34 everyone. The Gaffer Tapes will be back next week. X

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