He owns the coolest bar in London, he shares a name with one of the hardest bastards ever known to man and wangled himself a guest spot on the World's biggest FPL Podcast because he's the most mental fan ever... but Chuck Bailey has struggled with fantasy football this season. Here, the owner of Pimp Shuei gives us his 10 Fantasy Football Commandments... he also gets a little bit meta, too.
…and God said unto Moses ‘Thou shalt follow these rules in my name. Or risk eternal condemnation as a 20 click Wanker.’ – Book of Wallerz 36:27
It’s been a tumultuous year in many regards this year, the most worrying of which has been the status of my Fantasy Team. Long have I chopped and changed, swapped my sausages, umm’d and ahh’d all the while playing about as well as the Ass carrying the Virgin Mary to Bethlehem (and he would probably pick Welbeck.) I’m already writing off this year (barring a massive surge in the last weeks) and looking to what next season can bring. With this in mind I thought I’d bestow you with my own FPL commandments that I shall be following as rigidly as can be in the 17/18. Maybe it could even be something you refer to as well to keep your resolve from wavering in the face of footballing adversity, rather than me just ranting at my future self over the internet. Or not. Whatever.
1) Thou shalt begin as thou meanst to go on:
Wasting precious coin on expensive defenders (33 Million as opposed to 26.8 now with price increases) and hipster choice players harmed my seasons commencement. Not looking at starting fixtures and forgetting that clean sheets are now inconsistent as hell meant I had to wildcard after 3 weeks (wasteful). Don’t waste all the money, look to getting one player in each position who will be a mainstay in your squad for most of the season, and get yourself some underpriced players to make the most of early rises.
2) Thou shalt respect form over fixtures
2 words for you all. Salomon. Rondon. Many of you will know of which I speak and the wasteful pain it brought. Fixtures mean a lot less now in elite football. If your team doesn’t play well you don’t win. Simple. Keep an eye on form and use that as a barometer over fixtures, especially as big players perform in big games. With that in mind as well….
3) Though shalt not fear a good dump
Once again, Salomon fucking Rondon. Operate a 3 and out policy unless you have very strong reason to believe match 4 is a turning point (see commandment 8). Pretty much the same as above don’t keep blind faith in players that you think will turn it around. Your team will lose value as other savvy players ‘get rid’ and you won’t be vindicated if after 5 blanks a player scores 2 goals (Craig Hazell will back me 100% on this). If ever you are in doubt just see rule 2 and follow it (I should’ve made that rule 1 but I’ve come way too far now)
4) Thou shalt keep thine eye on values
We should all know by now that price rises can make or break you during the run in. Keep an eye on these to make sure you can maximise your team value and pick pretty much whoever you want. Remember if a player has only dropped by 0.1 value you won’t suffer, but once its 0.2 or more you’ll start to see your cashish whittle away, and you’re gonna have a baad toime (Also another bonus to Rule 3, Seriously, just fuck WrongDong)
5) Be wise when it comes to transfers
Don’t just do it for the sake of it. Don’t take a points hit for a player that isn’t going to at least make back the deficit. I’ve taken 108 points worth of hits this season (20 of that from an absolute cock up but we’ll get to that) and more often than not it has not paid off. Barring a player getting a full blown case of TST (Meta) don’t force a transfer on a player who’s only out for about 2-3 weeks, when you should have an ample replacement on the bench (we’ll get to that too)
6) Thou shalt not operate thine fantasy app in lieu of slumber
Put the Cherry Beer down and get some fucking sleep. Between the hours of Midnight and 8 we are not at our brightest (or most sober) and it is so easy to make a complete balls-up. Those that remember my guest appearance with the Gaffers (at least in the top 8 moments of that week for me) will know that I tried to check out some formations and transfers as research. One slip of the thumb and boom -20 hit, thank you and good night.
7) In the face of a conundrum, stick to what you know
Captain choice, while massively profitable, is also the source of immense stress. I’ve actually done a lot better than I thought I had from captain choices this season (182 points not too shabby) but it relies a lot on luck. If ever in doubt hand one of your consistent high scoring players the armband (Sanchez, Kane, Aguero, Lukaku etc…) and more often than not they’ll steer you right. That is of course barring rule number 2 (Really, really should’ve made it rule number 1)
8) Thou shalt pay attention to the ‘So Called’ Experts (made a political)
If you don’t follow Ben Dinnery on Twitter you are a fool. Simple as that. Not only this but when I watched Match of the Day for about a month I noticed a big increase in my points hauls. Watching highlights (or extended highlights on YouTube) for all games means you truly get a feel for how the game went, who actually played well, who was just unlucky, and who got a goal or assist without any talent whatsoever (Ash will 100% agree with me here). This is the only time I could potentially keep a player past the 3 and out rule (Commandment the Third). Oh and just sometimes it pays off to listen to these 3 blokes who run a podcast about FPL. Think they won an award or something but they don’t like to mention it…
9) Thou willst keep thine squad ample
More than ever you need to have a strong bench in FPL. With the increase in speed and intensity in games, the mental schedules of the Premier League (Fucking International Breaks as well) and bastard managers that like to play interviewing mind games about players injuries (Like a certain United manager that we all love…) you never know when your bench players will have to be called upon. Having a strong bench can also save you having to make those extra transfers with injuries that could result in a -4 or -8 start to the week. Oh and always take the time to set your order properly but you don’t have to tell old T-Dogg (the new daddy on G wing) about that any more. Speaking of T-Bag we move on to my final rule for next season…
10) Thou shalt keep thine sausages solitary and public
They say the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn’t exist… Tom Holmes’ greatest trick was the day he uttered the words ‘Secret Sausage’. He may have valid points towards the Triple Captain Chip (let’s not go into that though) but the secret sausage creates divisions in your thinking, you forget who’s in what team and more often than not the points just split between the squads and you don’t end up doing that well. If you don’t have the #Balls to go for a player just don’t pick them. If you truly believe that they will do well then put them in your team. Over and above everything else just play the game how you would like to play it and stick to your guns. I thought it was a good idea and with my teams performing well at different times, swapping between them and eventually getting to the brink of rage quitting I decided just to ‘Get Rid’ And ultimately if you’re not famous as a podcast presenter, actor, comedian or whatever, no one really gives a fuck about your fake name team surprisingly getting into the top ten. Ian Stimson, you were right all along. Fact : (Meta)
If you’ve read this far then I applaud you for listening to the ramblings of a 19/20/21 click wanker and appreciate it greatly. If you haven’t already then get yourself to www.patreon.com/thegaffertapes and gain the true title of a Gafferazzi, as well as plenty of extras, and the satisfaction of helping out some top notch blokes creating something marvellous (Plus Craig will make you your money back with the Gaffer Gambler).
Peace out guys, love to the Gaffers and big up the Gafferazzi Massive
P.S. Thou shalt not pick Welbeck! (Made another Meta)
Follow Chuck on twitter: @Chuck_Bailey_
Visit Pimp Shuei, the cooooooolest bar in London. Seriously. It's where we took Dominic Monaghan when we went for a drink. He bloody loved it. Look at his happy little face...